I needed to sit in the ashes
Without neglecting the beauty in the constellation
There, is where grace and grief held hands
And I finally embrace them both, as celebration
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I'm somewhere in between — Fear and Trust
Works and Fait, Spirit and Dust
I'm somewhere in between — Body and Soul
Infant and elder, Leaking and Whole
...
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You see, when I was healed miraculously from Leukemia at the age of 15, I was left with the scars. The scars that reminded me of the pain, of the biopsies, of the medications, of the hovering fear that I'd die because my aunt had died from the same disease years before. Every scar told a story of unconceivable anger because I didn't understand why I'd go through this. I hadn't done anything wrong, so it felt so unfair. I feared that if I ever opened up or tried to bring hope to someone else, the cancer would return and I would be ridiculed as a result. So I did what most of us do at first, cover them up. I invested time and money on finding the perfect cover up make up so that I can mask the story, I mean, scars beneath. I didn't see the glory of it all.
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His voice was weak and kind. I see an old, feeble man with white hair and suddenly I knew exactly who he was. I paused, unsure of how to react. I had not seen this man since I told my mom what happened and she confronted him. How do I embody love and kindness in this moment, for a man that tainted my childhood. It was then that God reminded me that accepting God's love and forgiveness is the first step toward healing. Accepting that God extends that same love and forgiveness for the people that have hurt us is the first step toward wholeness. I was challenged to extend grace to a man, who probably didn't have the wherewithal to ask for forgiveness, so I forgave him anyway. He looks up at me and didn't recognize me. I smiled at him, introduced myself and said, I forgive you. It didn't feel forged. It didn't feel contrived. It was genuine. It was real. It was God. He stood pale and mute. I asked him to greet his family on my behalf and that I pray only the best for them.
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You see, I’m kinda, sorta, a lot of bit complicated. As simple as I want and plan things to be, somehow, they always end up so dang complicated because of ME. As I did inventory of my own life, I had to admit that I inherently have a type A personality (call it a strength or a defiant weakness), but I can be a bit much. Because I like to do a bit of everything, I end up trying to DO everything a certain WAY!
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True love cultivates a kind of mutual surrender that yields a sharpening of love within each vessel. 1 Corinthians 13 tells us that according to its true character, love will be patient, kind, protective, always trust, always hope, always perseveres and it rejoices in the truth.
It is when you have matured in love that you are able to love someone purely and truthfully – without the drama we have created because that’s what culture has taught us. Why? Because love does not envy nor boast. It isn’t proud, rude, self-seeking, easily angered, keep records of wrong nor does it delight in evil.
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Loving our neighbor as ourselves means, being full aware of the wrong, but denying the right to remain angry or bitter, because the same grace that we receive and believe covered us and suffices for our weaknesses, suffices for them to the same degree.
Saying Yes to God means saying no to ourselves. It means relinquishing the natural humanistic response to pain and recognize the humanity in others. The humanity for which Christ died for. The humanity in need of God’s unconditional love, which calls to be reflected through us.
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