They really were venting sessions and angry letters to God. I had a hard time speaking about my feelings, because I felt all wrong about them or that I would go to hell for thinking and feeling the way I did. So praying out loud about it wasn't happening. All I could manage to do was cry or scream into my pillow once everyone was asleep. I learned how to contain my emotions enough to avoid publicly crying. I didn't want to really TALK about anything because my memories said that TALKING about what I was thinking got me in trouble, or left people with that puzzled, tilt-head-to-the-side look.The truth is, I didn't want to live but I didn't have the courage to verbalize it. So I drew, but mainly, I wrote.
You see, I’m kinda, sorta, a lot of bit complicated. As simple as I want and plan things to be, somehow, they always end up so dang complicated because of ME. As I did inventory of my own life, I had to admit that I inherently have a type A personality (call it a strength or a defiant weakness), but I can be a bit much. Because I like to do a bit of everything, I end up trying to DO everything a certain WAY!
I decided I no longer wanted to be exhausted and divided in 2014. In my quest to being made whole, I am challenged to now do better. What good is it for God to declare us saved, healed, delivered and whole, but then we just sit there. Shaun once shared with me a quote, who’s author I don’t know but it says, “If you aren’t planning your recovery, you are planning your relapse.” Declaring wholeness is great, but living out wholeness is the next step.
I was challenged by one of my very intelligent and quirky mentees to do a word of the year instead of a New Year’s Resolution. It’s called, I believe, One Word 365. Last year, my word was Intentional and I purposed to be intentional in everything that I did. Last year alone, God allowed me to birth 2 books and a vision in my being intentional. This new “word of the year” mantra carried over into 2015 where my word of the year is balance. I want to be balanced in everything that I do. (You can try to come up with one yourself! Try it! It’s GREAT!)