Today, I turn Thirty Three

Here’s to dreaming again despite the fear,

The deepening of the joy of salvation

Trusting the ways His love has been made clear

 

Surely God’s brought me a long way

Yet not exactly where I believed I’d be

I’m certainly committed to surrendering

To His truth, setting me free

 

These past 3 decades have been a journey

Filled with much laughter and many tears

All bringing me closer to a type of crucifixion

Of the false expectations I built over the years

 

Thirty three has much significance

A fulfillment of promises, is certainly true

It is also the age of Jesus died

Renting the veil of the conclusion many drew

Thirty years later, now unlearning

Being humbled by wisdom’s confrontation

That on my best, “formulated” days

My plans fall short of God’s revelation

 

At Thirty Three, Jesus felt the weight

Of His yes, to those who would say no

Yet despite wanting the cup to pass by

He said, ‘not my will;’ ‘I will go.’

 

I’m not Jesus nor do I measure up

But as I seek to exhale His breath

I can’t just celebrate a resurrection

Without the addressing the necessary death

 

I needed to sit in the ashes

Without neglecting the beauty in the constellation

There, is where grace and grief held hands

And I finally embrace them both, as celebration

 

His Joy has been my strength

Because I’ve been weak beyond measure

His power has been evident at my worst

Because I’ve tilled ground and found no treasure

 

His grace has been sufficient

Because I’ve felt abandoned by my Savior

His love has surrounded me

Because I’ve questioned His love, on ‘good behavior.’ 

 

He’s given me beauty for ashes

Because I’ve sat on a heap of dead dreams

His peace has surpassed my understanding

Because I’ve felt deafened by silent screams

 

His word has washed over me

Because some days I’ve struggled reading His word

His Presence has been the only answer

Because I’ve felt like some prayers went unheard

 

Thirty three is an unveiling

Of the things that for too long held me bound

The letting go of misguided promises

In an effort to hear heaven’s sound

 

The sound of miracles happening daily

As I love God, and He loves others through me

The working of His resurrection power

So that is not I, but Christ living in me

 

The beauty, found in [re]birth

While acknowledging how ugly the process has been

There is nothing beautiful about the proverbial tombstone 

That inevitably points back to ‘here lies… me.’

 

When God set me on this journey

Of the undoing of me to make me whole

Little did I know what turns I would take

And all the life changing lessons through the holes

 

As I embark on this new chapter

Thirty three was authored by The One

Who holds my world when things have shaken

And who all of my battles, He’s won

 

So I walk certain of Who goes before me

The same God who kept me then, keeps me now

His love has overwhelmed me so

That all I can do is smile and stop asking ‘how.’ 

 

The unspeakable joy that fills my heart

Doesn’t come from a temporary space

But rather, having mourned long enough

There, in grief, I was met by His grace

 

I stopped avoiding feeling pain

So that I can meet others in theirs

To speak life because I’ve experienced death

To speak hope where life feels unfair

 

To challenge myself while being human

To honor the call of being a mother, without an excuse

Being held accountable to my responsibility

To present this faith journey, disabused

 

I am looking forward to what’s ahead

Here’s to His light shining, through my ‘yes’

Today I renew my commitment to the journey

Of surrendering to the Potter, my miry mess

 

Today, I turn Thirty Three

Here’s to dreaming again despite the fear,

The deepening of the joy of His salvation

Trusting the ways His love has been made clear

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